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The Pilgrim, April 15, 2022*
Late
last year I decided to take a long break from Meta (Facebook) because of two
major reasons, which saw me reflect a lot on the meaning of human happiness. But
before I state them, let me tell you how some of my friends reacted to my
conspicuous absence.
I
didn’t actually think that any of my peers would be bothered by my silence,
since I wasn’t doing it for them, but for myself. Since it’s my Meta account
that I had specifically deactivated, my friends could still reach me on a
rather more impersonal platform, LinkedIn. I say impersonal because I find
LinkedIn somewhat detached. So long as you’re not making any posts, you’re as
good as being offline and you can stay as sane as possible.
The
same cannot be said about Meta. The moment you log in, it’s as if the whole
world is watching you. And because the platform isn’t needs-based, there is no
stopping once you start scrolling. You’ll end up viewing all kinds of things until
someone insults you or depresses you with a banal post about why fornication
will take you to hell or why you should learn to be humble because one day
you’ll die or might run broke.
So
with Meta, people’s passive aggression, which manifests as wisdom or as
spirituality, leaves you feeling guilty and even bad about yourself. The posts
that people make will suddenly lead you into an unnecessary mental combat with
yourself. Most people who post stuff on Meta may not actually realise that this
is what happens with their target audience. But that’s the nature of the
platform: it doesn’t care. Therefore, when someone commits suicide because of
it, we start making speeches about why we should have reached out to them
early.
Before
I became a victim of such social media toxicity, I took a break and I think it
was a mature move that I made. The first friend to contact me on LinkedIn,
following my absence, wrote this: “Hi, Victor. I hope you are well. I haven't
heard from you in a long time. Neither our mutual friends nor people who I
believe know you can confirm you are around, either here in Zambia or the US. Please
let me know you are around.”
He
went on to send me a voice note where he expressed doubts about whether I was
still alive. Well, all I can say is that I was flattered.
But
there was a second message a little later that echoed a similar concern. This
was from a female friend who reached out and said the following: “Good morning,
Victor. How’re you doing? I’ve been trying to reach you but to no avail. You’ve
been so quiet. Hope you are doing well.”
Both
of my friends were essentially asking one thing: am I still alive? Though we
talked, I didn’t disclose to any one of them the real reasons why I went quiet.
But even more interesting is that I derived insights into my own lifestyle from
their concerns. If they noticed that I was not as active online, could it be
that I previously lived half of my life on social media? To a point where they
felt I was an integral part of their lives and when I logged out, they felt
that they were missing something special?
Well,
if that’s what it amounts to, then I’d rather live my life off social media. I
want to stay a little bit enigmatic, with all the consequences that entails, as
opposed to offloading all my life on social media. The latter would be a probable
cause for depression. This brings me to two reasons which I think led me to abstain
from social media, particularly Meta.
Delusions
of grandeur
You
see, delusions of grandeur refer to a false belief in one’s exceptionalism,
greatness, or importance. And nothing entrenches this destructive way of
thinking more than social media.
It’s
easy to start focusing more on form rather than substance, once you start posting
your life on social media. This is because almost anything that you post,
everyone will say they’ve read to the end because it’s unlike anything they’ve
ever seen before. Such baloney! They’ll tell you about how extremely beautiful
you’re, while deep down your heart you know you’re not nearly as beautiful in
real life.
So
you start believing to be what you’re not. And because you’re convinced, you
tend to log in as often as possible to get the same validation from hundreds of
people you’ve never even met in your life. Your dopamine also rewards you for
it and makes you feel so good.
With
delusions of grandeur comes the temptation to keep appearances or save face.
You want to make sure that all your posts are better than the previous ones or
just as good. You’ll capture and broadcast your best moments such as when you
suddenly find yourself eating expensive food or drinking pricey wine. While
this is a good thing, the danger is that you won’t take time to focus on
building real and sustainable value.
The
need to get constant social validation from social media robs you of much-needed
time and resources to make real investment in your own life. Before you know it,
many years would have passed without you getting a real job or economically
meaningful skill, which could save you from a lot of pain and embarrassment in
future.
I
know of some people, as an example, who post their first car on social media
and speak in high-sounding words, but they really have no job. But they do it
for show. I think that the worst deception is self-deception. As someone who
has owned a car before, I know how deceptive appearances can be. We should be
cautious how we handle early success and that might just mean staying a little
bit quiet about it until it’s more sustainable and established.
Rat
race
The
need for social validation does not end with delusions of grandeur but it leads
to an unnecessary cutthroat competition that is referred to as rat race.
This
plays out very well on Meta posts. When people have a big birthday party, they
post it there. When they get a good job or promotion, they put it up for people
to see. Even when they graduate!
Well,
what I’ve learnt with time is that this behaviour is eerie. It leads you to
believe that as long as you’ve not shared your achievement on social media,
it’s invalid. It’s nothing to be proud of. What a sad way of approaching life.
After
meeting so many great people in different parts of the world, I’ve come to
appreciate the fact that all people have an ego. However, true greatness doesn’t
announce itself. For example, I’ve never seen any of my professors posting their
latest awards on social media. They keep them private. Since they’ve created
real value for themselves and their own world, it’s someone else who writes
about them. It could even be a journalist.
These
are the two most important reasons why I decided to take a very long break from
social media. I want to create real value while staying sane. I want to be at
peace with my conscience when I retire to bed. I want to live believe that
personal accomplishments are still valid even in the absence of publicity. I
don’t have to play catch up with anyone. With time, I’ll be fine. Less social
media will lead to more happiness.
*This column is published every Friday in Zambia's best-selling newspaper, the Zambia Daily Mail
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